“I almost died and realized none of this matters. None of the “important” things were really important – all that matters is to experience life!” -Lady Rayven
That quote came from today’s Your Shining Self Podcast guest Lady Rayven. In this episode, we dive into her near-death experience – what it was like & she says it wasn’t a “normal” experience like others share theirs were like.
One thing Lady Rayven left me thinking about was how I don’t want to experience something as drastic as a near-death experience to “wake” me up to realize she’s right – all that really matters is experiencing life!
As I’m typing this, looking around my office with all these “things” that I thought I wanted/needed but in reality, it’s just a whole lot of clutter taking up space and collecting dust. I think it’s time to do another serious declutter session! (Can you tell that Lady Rayven’s story really got to me?! It has impacted me and made me think about a lot of things!).
About Lady Rayven:
Lady Rayven is a doer in life – she does things that others can’t, or won’t. A true original, Rayven believes that happiness is our natural state of being, and guides others to manifesting their own dreams. You can find her at Abundability.com.
Note from Tish: If you like card decks and are looking for a fun, unique deck I highly recommend you check out Rayven’s Eat The Pickle card deck! The Eat the Pickle Card Deck is an exercise in the unknown. Simply draw a card each day you desire a new adventure, and off you go! Each card has a URL at the bottom to a Pickle Page, designed to give you more ideas, inspiration, options, and examples of other Pickle Eaters’ card conquests.
Connect with Lady Rayven:
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Transcript Of This Episode:
Tish 00:00: I’m so excited to have my friend, Lady Rayven Monique here. Hi Lady Rayven!
Lady Rayven 00:05: Hello, Tishia. Thank you for having me.
Tish 00:07: Thank you for taking the time to join me today. I’m so excited to have you.
Lady Rayven 00:11: Oh, you’re one of my favorite people in the world. Of course, I’m going to join you.
Tish 00:15: So listeners, Lady Raven, and I have actually known each other personally offline for, oh my gosh, I don’t even know how long it’s been now.
Lady Rayven 00:28: About seven years.
Tish 00:30: Holy Toledo, has it been that long? Wow. Alright, so we are going to talk about something kind of serious today. Lady Rayven will you share with my listener – you almost died!
Lady Rayven 00:43: I did. It was the best experience of my life to which people think is a crazy thing about almost dying. But I was one of the people that was fortunate enough to have a near death experience.
I didn’t see like the light and go through a tunnel. Mine was a very different experience than many. But basically what happened is I, at the age of almost 40, decided to become a surrogate mother and help a friend out.
I carried her twins. The babies were born premature which was very surprising to all of us but they were okay. I want to let everybody know the babies were little bitty, but they were a hundred percent perfect otherwise. They’re now toddlers and just having a grand old time and their mother and father just adore them to pieces.
But when this occurred there was some significant issues with me that nobody caught. I suffered from a condition called Placenta Accreta, which for now, men, please tune out for a couple of minutes here and women you’ll get this. But basically what happened is the second baby attached to the lining of the uterus.
He didn’t actually attach to it, he went through the uterus itself and in America there’s a 4% maternal fatality rate when this occurs and the course of action is that they do a cesarian (as soon as the baby is viable) and an immediate hysterectomy. There is no coming back from it.
But the problem was he managed to do this in the curve of the tippy top of the uterus and despite the fact that we had lots and lots and lots of ultrasounds, nobody noticed and I did not have a cesarian.
So they sent me home after the birth and at first I ran a big fever and I came to the ER and they’re like, yeah, there’s nothing wrong with you, if your fever gets to 109 come back. So they sent me home with an almost 106 (fever).
Then the second time there was fluid building up in my lungs. All of this is occurring over a two week span. There was fluid in my lungs and they kept me there for a couple of days and they drained all the fluid and did a bunch of tests, didn’t find anything and sent me home.
The third time I, um, I started to hemorrhage a bit and I came in, and they kept me there for a few hours, gave me some drugs, um, to make me hemorrhage more and sent me home. And I remember; the crazy thing was they were putting me (from the ER), into the car and they sent a nurse out or a candy striper out, to do this and she had this list and she goes, okay so if you have a fever of 104 or more, or you are hemorrhaging you know this quantity and she went through a couple of other things, she goes, you’re supposed to come right back to the hospital.
And I looked at her and I said, you do realize every single one of those I’m doing right now. And I remember she just kinda looked at me and she went hehehe (laughing) and she closed the door and left!
I was so like flabbergasted, like I know something’s wrong. I don’t know what it is but I’m telling you something’s wrong with my body. And uh so I went home and um they had given me some medication because they figured that the only thing that made sense was that there was some placenta still stuck up in there and it needed to dislodge, that that’s what was causing the fever, that’s what was causing the fluid buildup and all just the general icky feeling.
And so they gave me this medication. And my mother was concerned so she was staying with us. Um, and I remember that night, right before I went to bed, I looked at my boyfriend and I said now, um, I don’t feel that any of this is right and I’m going to go to bed and I want you to pay attention to my behavior. I need you, if I’m acting weird, just out of character, I need you to physically look to see if I’m hemorrhaging, because I don’t know that I’ll have enough cognizance to tell you. And he’s like, all right, whatever, whatever.
So I take the medicine. Everybody goes to bed. About one thirty in the morning, I wake up in the most pain I’ve ever been in. And I remember thinking that had given me some of the, um, the, the Oxycontin. I had taken that, um, because I was in so much pain and I knew that I wasn’t allowed to take another one because it had only been a few hours.
So I was allowed to take Advil. So I needed to get the Advil but I couldn’t get to it. I mean the concept, the thought of me getting to it was just unbelievably difficult and it was only an arm’s reach away. It was on my bedside table. So I started talking and I woke up my boyfriend. I’m like, is there any way you can get this Advil for me? I just can’t do it.
And he’s groggy, and he wakes up and he’s like, oh, okay. So he walks over to my side of the bed and hands me my water and hands me the Advil and I take it and then it dawns on him that that was a very odd thing for me to do. Um, and, and so he, he, uh, he, he moved the blanket away from me and in another minute or two, that blood would have reached him.
I, uh, we made it to the hospital. I actually I had called the ambulance; the first time I’d ever been on ambulance in my life. Um, and they got me to the ER and, um, it took eight blood transfusions.
So we were; and I don’t know if you’ve ever had an emergency where you needed a blood transfusion, it takes forever to get that blood.
I just remember knowing that they were in the process and thinking why is this taking so long? But there were so many checks and balances and things that had to be done before I was able to receive that blood and we’re in the ER, my boyfriend who is terrified of hospitals is kind of back in the corner. My mother is frantic right next to me.
I can hear things going on. I’m cognizant of everything in the room. And the nurse was saying his blood pressure is 60 over 30. Um, my mom used to be a nurse, so I knew that this was probably affecting her more than it was my, you know, the information part more than me, and definitely more than my partner. I could tell she was starting to panic and I frankly didn’t care.
And so all of this is going on. I’m in the most pain I’ve ever been in my entire life and all of a sudden, I guess I can say that I came out of my body and I was completely aware of everything that was happening, but I was suddenly in this place where it, and I’ve described it as a hallway.
And in that hallway there were three rooms and in one room all of the pain I was feeling was locked behind a door and there were two more doors available to me. And those doors were stay or go.
And I remember understanding so clearly that there were no consequences to either choice. There was not the right choice and the wrong choice, there was not this is what you should do and this is what you shouldn’t do. It was simply a choice – what do you want? We can do either one it’s up to you.
I remember that I didn’t think about the fact that my mother, my distraught mother, and my boyfriend were right there in the room with me and what their lives would be like if I died. And I didn’t think about my children.
The thought that came to my head was my child that was living with me at home had just moved out, like days before all of this started. And the thought that went through my head is I have waited 40 years to be able to do the things in life that I want to do just for me and I’ll be damned if I’m going to leave now.
And the second I made that choice, um, the rooms disappeared. All of the pain came back. My second thought was I really should have lingered there for awhile. And then I was brought back to reality and while it was all going on, I’m trying to tell my mom, like mom, mom, there are these rooms and she’s like, stay in this room.
I’m like, no, you don’t understand. There are these rooms and she’s like I know about the rooms, stay in this one! It ended up that they, um, the doctor came in after that they were putting blood in, it was coming out just as fast as they were putting it in. And the next day they, um, went in and did an exploratory emergency surgery. And they ended up doing an emergency hysterectomy and I was okay after that.
Tish Lee 09:59: Oh, my gosh. You know, it’s crazy, Lady Raven, because you and I have been friends, so I knew all of this was happening, you know, when it was happening cause our other friend Kelly was keeping me updated on what was going on, but I don’t know that I have ever actually heard you tell the story of what happened.
So as you’re talking, I’m just like sitting here and I’m like getting all teared up and goosebumps and like holy crap! I mean, my head is just going in like a thousand different directions. And before we talk some more about this, I just want to back up for a second and, um, you know, have you share something a little bit with the listeners. This was not the first time you had been a surrogate person, correct?
Lady Rayven Monique: Correct. Correct. I, I had actually done it six times. I’ve given birth to 11 children. Two of them are mine and, um, the other nine, three sets of twins and three singlets were for other people that, um, were unable to do that. I helped, um, I helped couples. More than anything. I helped those women, those mothers be able to, to hold their babies in their arms.
Um, and it was something that they just couldn’t do on their own. So, um, it is a, uh, the subject that, uh, place, uh, that’s something that I’ve been quite involved with for quite some time. And I knew that this was the last time I was going to do it. Just because my age was getting up there. Um, but it, it was something that, that I felt passionately about for a very long.
Tish Lee: And that’s one of the things that I love about you is that you were just, and I’m going to say the word disconnected, but we’ve had a conversation before that that is actually what allowed you to be a surrogate is because you were disconnected from like that baby that you were caring versus I wouldn’t be able to do it because yeah, I have a son and just the thought of like, oh my gosh, I would love to help somebody do that I could not imagine, I could not disconnect myself from the fact that that would not be my child.
Lady Rayven: And that’s how the majority of people feel. Um, I have, uh, I’m not an attached person. I don’t get attached to, um, to.
To, to, to, to just things in general. Um, I, I’m very able to, to keep those things separate in my mind. Um, I love deeply when I do, but, um, it, it, it is something that I have to make a choice to do. And so I knew for me, um, those babies that I carry that, um, I kinda liken it to driving somebody else’s Lamborghini.
Like, I know how to drive but I’m going to be extra, extra careful with somebody else’s treasure. And, and I knew that, that this wasn’t mine, this was a finite time that I was going to be affecting these lives. And, um, and it felt like a really long babysitting project. Um, and I, I’ve always been very, very happy when mom comes to pick up the babies.
Like, yes. Thank you.
Tish Lee: And the reason that I wanted to backtrack and ask that lady Raven is because I didn’t want our listener to be like, oh my gosh, that’s the first time, you know, she decided to be a surrogate and this is what happens.
Lady Rayven: You know, it’s always a risk. I’ve counseled people that have gotten into surrogacy before, and I’ve always told them it’s super, super important if you’re considering that you are completely done having your own family, not just because of the feelings that you mentioned.
A lot of times, if somebody is still in the process of creating their family they might feel more attached to that baby than they would have otherwise, but because anything can happen, you know.
I will never be able to carry another child and that’s, you know, It’s an annoyance kind of, I guess it’s not even, um, it doesn’t really matter to me. But it would matter if I hadn’t been complete having my own children. Mine are grown now. So, you know, I, that’s a door that’s been very closed for me for a very long time, but it would have been devastating if it hadn’t.
Tish Lee: Yes. Okay. So lady Raven, now that we completely backtracked, let’s move back to, after you go through this near death experience and, um, you know, you’re sent home, what is like, what’s going on in your head and like around you? What are you experiencing and thinking?
Lady Rayven: I’m feeling well, you know, I tell you, I have spent a lot of time in my life, um, spiraling, um, you know, I’ll get to a circumstance in my life that, I feel I don’t have very much control over so I put a lot of attention, a lot of thought, a lot of anxiety around it.
Uh, for example, income. I’m a business owner and, um, I’ve always done well with my business up until that point in time. But any time that sales slowed down or any time that I wasn’t sure where the money was going to come from, I would worry and hyper-focus, and, um, just have this real cloud above me.
And it always worked out in the end, despite my efforts to derail it with my feelings. Um, but, but it was exhausting. And I remember when I was there in that whole looking at those doors, looking at those rooms, I had this great sense of none of this matters, like that. And it had something to do with, with that, that decision that was being presented to me that, and there was no consequences to it.
There was nothing wrong I could do. And, and that, that moment, that that realization came to me, I realized that there’s nothing wrong I can do in life, you know. So what if my business didn’t work, I’d figure something out. So what if I wasn’t sure how I was going to make ends meet? They always have, so none of it matters.
And, um, so I really was able to just touch that idea. And it has had such an amazing result in my life. I mean, now I don’t, I don’t worry about those types of things. I won’t lie to you Tishia, um, there were certainly times between that experience and today that I started to go down that path.
That’s what I call it spinning; when I’d spin it, worry about it. Um, but I would, I would have the awareness and I’d recognize that I was doing it. So much quicker than before the experience. And I was able to bring myself out of it, like, oh yeah, this is just that old habit we had. Um, we can stop doing this now.
So I did touch it a few times, but every time I touched it, it was, it was less and less stress, less and less anxiety. And my money kept going up and up and up.
So you know, I just have this new lease on life where I don’t postpone things. If I want to go on a trip, um, and, or commit to something big right now; I’m exploring permaculture and I have chickens and rabbits, and I’m going to get a cow and I got gardens everywhere and we’re planting for the fall.
And, um, I tell you the food for us, and I’m doing all of this now, instead of saying, you know, someday I might. Someday I’m going to see that, someday I’ll have the money for that.
I’ve just been jumping in and doing the things and it’s all working out. It all figures itself out in the end. And I’ve been having a fabulous adventure since.
Tish Lee: And I love that you share that lady Raven, because I mean, I can speak from personal experience. There have been so many things that I have wanted to do, and I’m not even just talking like say a business trip or you know a big vacation; and I’m like, oh, I can’t afford to so I don’t do it. I’m even talking like little things, like one day, just this urge to go buy bubbles and go to the park and blow them came over me and I was like, no, you know, I’ve got work, I have to finish, I need to walk the dog, so I didn’t go do it.
And so I love that you shared that because, you know, from your experience, you’ve learned that all that matters now is experiencing life and doing those things!
Lady Rayven: That’s what we’re here for. I mean, that is literally the only thing that we’re here for is, is to, is to experience life in a different way, you know?
And, and, and, and our, my goal in life is to wake up every day and to be a better version of me whatever that looks like, and to just enjoy how that shows up and don’t get me wrong there are still days that, that we have hardships. There are still days that unexpected and unpleasant and uncomfortable things happen. But it gives me a new way to look at those things as this is just part of that experience and how I choose to handle it, how I choose to look at it as what makes a difference.
Tish Lee: Yes. I love that. So now I kind of want to circle back around to, you know, the near-death experience and everything that’s going on with that. So, as you’re back in the hospital and there doing the surgery, to fix that complication, something else happens! Would you share with my listener what happened?
Lady Rayven: So I’m going back to me having been a surrogate six times. Um, you know, when I’ve shared that with people, especially strangers and even friends, I would always get comments like, oh, you’re so wonderful how compassionate you are, what a great thing to give to people. And, and to be honest, sometimes that made me feel uncomfortable, um, because you know, like we explained before I did have that detachment, I was able to separate myself from the situation to a certain extent.
And in my opinion, I wasn’t that amazing when I was just somebody who would have babies, it was that mother that had put everything on the line, to allow somebody else to carry the most important things in their life and to have to trust somebody else… that was a miracle to me!
That was where the miracle was. I was just somebody that was good at being pregnant. So, I, I always felt uncomfortable with the compliment that you’re so compassionate. What compassionate person you are; I, I felt… it was ick to be honest. I don’t know that I ever truly understood what that word meant.
And, um, throughout that pregnancy, um, I was at, I was visiting; I don’t know if women, mothers out there, if you’ve been to an OB GYN, a practice that has more than one doctor. And, um, so you have your doctor. Right? And if everything goes well, that’s the doctor that’s going to deliver your baby. Um, and then you have the other doctor or doctors in the practice that might deliver, um, depending on how it all shakes out.
Well, I loved my doctor. Love, love, love, loved her. And she had a new partner that year. And to be honest, I didn’t care for her. Um, I think we just rubbed, she rubbed me a wrong way. She made some sort of a comment and, and my hormonal pregnancy brain took it to a degree that didn’t really exist. And I decided I didn’t like this woman.
And, um, so when it came down to this exploratory surgery, guess which doctor it was going to be that did it? It was of course going to be (my doctor did the delivery) the doctor I was not fond of that was doing the surgery. And I mean, at that point, I really didn’t care, I was out of it anyway.
But she explained to me before she went in that, you know, they were going to go in, see what was going on and there was a higher-than-normal chance they’d have to do a hysterectomy and to prepare me for all that. And I’m like, yeah, whatever, let’s get it on.
And the hysterectomy went well but as she was removing that organ from my body, um, the clamps that she had used to kind of keep the body open.
I mean this is very gory, I apologize.
(The clamps) slid and she severed, um, one of the ureters, which is the tube that connects the kidney to the bladder. She immediately realized what the problem was and, um, you know, and what had happened. And she called, um, the urologist and they went up and did a second emergency surgery on me to reconnect it.
And so that, that does have some minor complications in life. Um, there’s apparently this overflow valve that when you have to go potty, um, and, and, uh, and it comes out from your kidneys and goes into your bladder, there’s a valve so it doesn’t go backwards. And because of this type of surgery and this, this type of accident, they couldn’t put it back.
So what that means is that I have to be in the habit of going to the restroom every time my bladder feels anyway full because over time it can creep back up and I could, I could get sepsis. I could die from that which sounds really dramatic.
In actuality and practicality, it’s just an annoyance. It’s just a little bit extra that I have to do and all things considered, I am perfectly fine today. A hundred percent healthy. Everything’s great. Everything worked out well.
But you know, when it happened, I had to have a catheter for weeks. I had to, um, I tell you, my heart is so compassionate (I’m using that word right now), I’m so compassionate for people that go through long-term medical issues. I’ve glimpsed them, and it overwhelms me how much strength these people have. So, I had an opportunity to witness that briefly.
When it was all said and done, um, you know, I was back in the hospital room and my doctor, my other doctor, had come back in and did some follow-up. I was in the hospital, another, I think another week or so after the surgery. I had lost so much blood that they had sent in a physical therapist to help me walk. So I got, I had a little Walker and I named him Christopher Walker. And, um, and the first time I was able to stand up and start to move around, he took me into the hallway and, um, you know, I was walking up and down the hallway and, you know, after you deliver a baby, Um, and there’s complications and you come back to the ER, you don’t go back to the maternity ward, right? You go to the regular hospital.
And so, I was in the, um, the regular hospital and I could hear there’s so many noises in the hallway from a regular hospital, from all of the patients in the various rooms and their families and the nurses and everything else going on. And there’s, there’s people that are caterwauling and there’s people that are yelling and screaming. There’s lots of activity!
And I remember walking through that, that hospital, in that corridor and hearing the stuff and seeing the going ons and just struggling my little Christopher Walker. And I suddenly had this realization that none of it mattered. That I got to go home in a few days and leave this part of my life behind and there were so many people in that hallway that never would, this was the end for them. And it suddenly made me realize that my complications, my problems were nothing. And I came back to that room.
It had been a few days since the surgery, hadn’t seen my other doctor, the one that done the surgery, and she came in that day for the first time. And I just, when I saw her, my heart just opened up and I had all of this love pour out for her because I felt like how, how does she feel that this happened? You know, she caused this to happen. It was a mistake. It wasn’t a malpractice thing. It was an honest to goodness oh crap I just screwed up mistake.
And my mind went to how would I feel if I had done that. I would have felt horrible beyond belief that I had caused something like this to happen to somebody. And on the off chance that she felt the same way, I just took her hand and I pulled her down to my bed to sit next to me. And I just, I grabbed her hand.
I said, I just want to let you know that I forgive you. I know it was an accident and it sucks, I’m not gonna lie. This is not what I expected but in the grand scheme of things, it’s nothing. And I just want to let you know it’s okay and you’re a good doctor because she really, really was a good doctor.
All those things that I had been annoyed with through my pregnancy when I visited with her, they were things like, um, you’re close to the gestational diabetes cutoff let’s make you do the four-hour test. I grumbled because I knew I wasn’t going to have gestational diabetes. The stupid test, you know, and I knew my body and all of this stuff going on; but in the end she was the only one, but at any point in the process thought, you know what? Let’s make sure that we’re doing the extra due diligence because this is a woman who has had 11 children. Let’s make sure we’re on the proactive instead of the reactive front. She was just doing her job and I was the one taking offense to it. Right?
And she cried and I cried, and we had a good hug and I felt such peace when that wrapped up. And the next day, my favorite doctor, um, came by and she said, I want to let you know that what you did for her with that conversation was just so wonderful. She says after it happened (this happened right over Christmas, this happened on Christmas Eve, Christmas Eve eve) my doctor had had the holiday week off. That was, you know, it was her year to have it off.
And, um, when this happened, she (the doctor who did the surgery) locked herself in a bathroom and she called the other doctor from her cell phone and said, I can’t function, I can’t leave this room. I need you to come in on the holiday, I need you to take care of my rounds. I can’t do it.
And she had never ever in her career done something; made such a mistake before. I guarantee she never will again. But she was so distraught, so upset, so questioning her own abilities and who she is.
You know she said to me, when we were on that bed, she says as a doctor, as a woman and as a person of color, there is so much pressure on me to put this face on that says I am confident, I know what I’m doing, and to keep distance. She says, sometimes I just want to be a person and to know that it’s okay to be human and to make a mistake.
And I finally understood what compassion was. And I, I’ve never not felt compassion for everybody that I meet in life. Whether, you know, whether it’s somebody’s you know; I look at things when people are having a bad day and it just happens to spill out onto me, you know a parking spot gone wrong or just silly stuff, I always remember, first and foremost, this has nothing to do with me and gosh, what must they be experiencing?
Um, so, so yeah, that was my big lesson. And I wouldn’t change anything for the world. I wouldn’t change any part of it because I think I gained so much more than I lost that day.
Tish Lee: Thank you for sharing all that Lady Rayven. I mean how powerful was that moment of you just telling her I forgive you?! Because you could have easily chosen the attitude to be pissed!
Lady Rayven: Oh yeah.
Tish Lee: And I mean, hello, there probably could have been, you could maybe have sued or something over all that.
I hear that and it’s just like, wow. Like what; I don’t even know what I’m trying to say!
Lady Rayven: I know. Well, that’s just the thing is that every day in every moment of our lives, we have a choice. We can make up that things are happening to us in life or for us in life.
And the way that I feel is I could have taken the response that, um, oh my gosh, my life sucks right now. Here I was trying to do something nice for somebody, now I got this permanent condition to deal with, and this is the most horrible thing that’s ever happened to me and of course it was that doctor that I hated, look, she did this to me on purpose.
I could’ve made all that up. I could’ve totally like lived that as my life from that moment on. But the thought of that is just ridiculous.
Instead, I look at it as a gift. I had put out to the universe that I don’t know what compassion feels like, I would love to know what the thing that all these strangers are accusing me of having; I want to know what that’s like.
And I received it in a way that I didn’t expect, um, but in a way that I fully a hundred percent to my toes comprehend now and forever what that feels like I understand. And that understanding was a gift. So, in my mind, life is happening for me, not to me.
Tish Lee: Yes. Oh my gosh, Lady Rayven, thank you so much for sharing all this. Your story is so powerful and not even in the aspect that you almost died. It’s just from everything that has come out of that and how you view life and stuff now.
Like your story is just so powerful. And I want to, as we’re wrapping things up, what is something you want to leave the listener with today? Like one or two pieces of advice? Like a golden nugget or something. What do you want to leave the listener with today?
Lady Rayven: Um, I would just say, go be you and do the things now that you’ve always wanted to do. Take baby steps towards those goals. Even if it’s, you know, I’ve always wanted to do this thing but I don’t even know where to start. Well, go get a book on it. It doesn’t have to be massive, right?
Just take steps towards living those dreams and they’re going to happen. And none of this matters! You can’t get it wrong. There is nothing in this life that you can do that will ever be wrong.
Tish Lee: Yes. And for you listening, Lady Raven is so amazing. And I’m not just saying that because she is a friend. Um, she really, truly is just an amazing human being. So, I highly recommend that, you know, you check her out and connect with her. So, Lady Rayven, if somebody is listening and they want to connect with you, where can they find you?
Lady Rayven: My site is abundability.com And, uh, that’s like the combination of the word abundance and ability. Exactly how you think it’s spelled, and you can find me there.
Tish Lee: Awesome. Thank you so much for being here Lady Raven. I appreciate it.
Lady Rayven: Thank you so much for having me Tish.