I have a confession. It’s something that has been weighing heavily on my heart for a few weeks. It’s holding me back. So, it’s time to spill the beans and just put it out there for everyone to “hear”!
I’m suffering from what feels like Imposter Syndrome.
What is Imposter Syndrome?
Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome or the imposter experience) is a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud”… {Source: Wikipedia}
While that’s not exactly the definition of what I’m feeling – it sums it up pretty well. My experience with the syndrome is a bit different.
You see, I’ve been so excited about this site – the why behind it, what it’s about, putting myself out there in hopes of changing even just one person’s life, but I’ve been going through some things personally and it’s taken a toll on me mentally and even physically (not sleeping much, poor eating, no activity).
My depression has been through the roof lately. I finally opened up and shared with my best friend and a group of ladies in recovery how the thoughts about not wanting to be here have come again. (I’ve suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts for years but it’s been under control until recently). They pushed me to contact my doctor and get help, so I did.
What does all that have to do with Imposter Syndrome?
Remember, when I said how excited I was about this site? Well, I still am but here’s where I feel like a fraud, or like an impostor:
How on earth can I run a site and put myself out there publicly where I’m promoting telling stories of hope, love & transformation? And where my mission is to show hurting women that when they catch a glimpse of their true shining self, they won’t be satisfied with less again?
How can I do that when I’m feeling so depressed and stressed out? Aren’t I being an impostor and acting like a fraud?
Nope!
Yes, I just said NO…no, I’m not an impostor. No, I’m not a fraud. Just because I’ve overcome and made amazing transformation in my life does NOT mean that things won’t come up. Life happens. To be blunt – SHIT happens. I made some poor decisions for a long time while in the throes of my alcohol addiction (and not even all of it can be blamed on that!) and now it’s time to deal with the consequences. And it’s not easy.
But While I’m Feeling Depressed, I Am Not Hopeless.
I have come through so much before, I WILL overcome all this too.
Why?
- Because I’m WORTH it.
- Because I DESERVE to.
- Because my story isn’t over yet and it’s worth sharing!
So, I am not an Imposter. And that’s a pretty big aha moment for me. I’d feel more like an Imposter if I didn’t write this post and share with you what I’m feeling, that I’m struggling a little right now. But as one of the foundations I’ve learned through all my years in AA – “this too shall pass!”
The message I want to leave you with today is this:
Do NOT give up. No matter what you’re facing right now, there IS hope. I promise you, things can get better. YOU are WORTH it. YOUR LIFE MATTERS!
I don’t know if you’re feeling depressed and hopeless or whether you like me at times have thought the only way out is taking your life, please remember:
suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem!
No problem, big or small, is worth choosing the permanent solution. It’s not worth it and it’s not something that can be taken back! Please, reach out for help if you need it…there is nothing embarrassing or shameful in admitting you need help.
What came up for you as you read this? Would you be willing to share? If so, please leave a comment!
